Sunday, February 7, 2010
i suppose you never know what you have until it's gone; what if you never had it to begin with? always out of reach and those around you cherishing it, cradling it in their arms. "it's" always been gone. you don't even know what to say when people ask you "where's yours?". where is it? some people will just never have this kind of thing. be it medical complications, diagnosis, apathy, or the lack of the ability to feel, its gone, always has been and always will be.so where to go now? isn't that life's purpose, to "have and to hold" and move on with your life? these are the kinds of things hallmark cards are made out of, write a half assed attempt at trying to congratulate them for getting what you've always wanted, what you always needed, what you never felt. there they go, out of your life, they'll be back at square one by the end of time, half of them always come back to visit you and sink back down...it's a long way down for them, but it's a long way up when you're anchored by the reality of it all. that four letter word that comes to mind every time someone gets that gut feeling in their stomach, emotions are high, staring into each others eyes and mutter those words to make your self feel better, or to put them at ease. they don't know what waking up in cold sweats is like when you're laying next a person that comforts you. sweat dripping down your back, it's a mind fuck. is it mental? is it physical? this is the kind of thing you think about every day, every night, mid conversation when you're staring blankly into the persons eyes and you can't help but want to get away from that conversation; why waste your time? why waste theirs? so when does it end? discomfort turns into numbness, sulking turns emotionless. there it is, always just out of reach, always fleeting. maybe it's time to go. those footsteps you heard turn into nothing should have been yours the last time around. nothing will change though, you'll keep your self busy, keep your self occupied, keep your self alive. just waiting around to die.