Thursday, March 19, 2009
I was born leaving. Every time I look my self in the mirror I ask my self what I should change about the person staring back at me. There's always something. Physically, mentally, anything and everything. I'm judgemental, about everything; not just people who walk by me everyday or that trendy kid sitting on the bench in front of me as I write this, but everything that can be put into a coherent thought. I judge my self as harsh as I judge everyone/thing else. I try and forget that I'm just another rotting sack of flesh with blood pumping through my veins, walking around waiting for my time to go (go where?). I care about less and less every day. Why should I? Each day is a lesson, another nail on the coffin, another day I didn't do what I said I would. Our weakest moments are the ones we realize that nothing is permanent; friends, loved ones, relationships, family, parents. They all end. Maybe that's why I make them end. I reject nature. That's my nature. I'm a diagnosed, chemically imbalanced-ender. I don't let nature run its course. As I lay here on the beach, over looking the pacific, with your head on my back, basking in the sun, while I face away from it (see? Always rejecting nature) I know there's nothing but good thoughts going on in your head. You don't know what I'm thinking. I won't let those thoughts touch you. I promise. You'll never have the displeasure of meeting them and being in their company. Yet, somehow they'll effect you. They'll effect us. I'll give you hints, but I'm "hard to read", if only you knew, if only they knew. People don't think like me. I hope they don't. I'd never want them to think of the things I think of. I find solace in the fact that the rest of the world doesn't think of the things I do. There you go, rubbing my neck and patting my leg, I know what you're thinking. I wish I didn't. My minds too tired to think for two people. Don't take it the wrong way. I'm not depressing, I'm honest. You're not honest, it's depressing.